I am racist

But that's not actually the problem right now

I admit it – I don’t like looking at the words I’ve written on the page. I don’t like thinking that I’m racist. It’s uncomfortable. It doesn’t fit with the way that I see myself, or at least how I would like to see myself. It doesn’t fit with my personal values. I don’t believe that some people are better than others, based on the colour of their skin or their ethnic origin.

Nonetheless, unconscious biases are a hard thing to fight. Even if we know that we have them, we often don’t notice how they affect our behaviour.

To show you what I mean, here’s an example of a bias – a racist bias – that I noticed in myself a couple of years ago. If I went into a café and the barista was Chinese, I didn’t expect them to make good coffee. I realised that this bias, this feeling that I had, was not logical or rational. It wasn’t supported by any evidence. If I wanted to try and justify myself, I could probably find a story to explain it – but I won’t. I’m not going to try and justify it. I’m not going to tell myself a story so I can reassure myself I’m not racist after all. Right now, I’m simply going to acknowledge that it existed.

That first example may seem like fairly trivial one. But there are others, and they are more concerning. For instance, I have noticed that I expect people with English-sounding names to be more competent at some jobs. This prejudice is a real problem, because I’m a manager, and I recruit staff. As I write this, I really want to defend myself with some more explanation, but again, I’m not going to. I’m just going to notice that I have that feeling, and acknowledge that it exists, whether I like it or not.

Robin DiAngelo, in her book White Fragility, classifies the kinds of examples I have given above as prejudices. She argues that we all have prejudices, that we all make pre-judgements about people based on them belonging to a certain group. Often, our prejudices are based on very little evidence and are completely irrational. I cannot think of any specific occasion where someone who was Chinese made me a bad cup of coffee, for example, nor do I have the same prejudice when I hear an American accent, despite the awful beverages masquerading as coffee that I’ve encountered in the USA. We absorb our prejudices from people around us, from our education, from watching television, from our life experiences and, increasingly, from what we read on social media. We simply cannot help it.

Everyone has prejudices, and most people are aware that they have them, but what we do with our prejudices varies a lot. Some people deny that they have them at all. Some people cling to them stubbornly in the face of evidence to the contrary. Some people seek out others who share the same prejudices. Others are more open. They may take opportunities to learn more about the groups that they hold prejudices against. They may revise their views based on their own experience, or evidence from others. But they may still have prejudices that they haven’t noticed, and will never eliminate them entirely.

If we all have prejudices, how does this affect the way we treat others? We know that, with some people, prejudice results in serious discrimination and mistreatment of others: racial insults and slurs, excluding and avoiding people, threats and violence. But what about people with less obvious prejudices - the kinds that I described earlier? What about people who try to overcome their prejudices? What about people who don’t consider themselves to be prejudiced at all? DiAngelo argues that because our thoughts, feelings and beliefs affect our behaviour, it is inevitable that our prejudices affect how we treat others. This, she defines as discrimination and, she says, we all discriminate, whether we notice it or not.

This is a hard message to hear. I don’t like to believe it but, if I give it some thought, I know it’s true. I have never been aware of discriminating against someone on the basis of them belonging to a particular group at the time it was happening. But if I look back, I can remember times when I’ve felt less comfortable with people because of them belonging to a particular group, and they probably did feel or sense it in some way. I’ve never done it consciously, but that’s the point here. Mostly discrimination isn’t conscious. Most of us don’t know we are doing it.

So, we are all prejudiced, more or less, and we all discriminate. Does that mean we are all racist? That depends on how you define racist. If you define racist as having prejudices and discriminating, then yes, to some extent we are all racist. We can – and we should – try to overcome our prejudices and not discriminate against people, but we need to accept that overcoming racism is something we must continue doing for our whole lives. It’s not something that will go away because we want it to. We have to work on not being racist, but we can’t work on it – and we will never overcome it – if we don’t first acknowledge that it exists within us.

However DiAngelo talks about racism as something more than just discriminating against a particular group on the basis of “race” or ethnic origin. What defines racism, in DiAngelo’s book, is power. While everyone holds prejudices and discriminates, the prejudices of some groups have more impact. If a group holds a disproportionate amount of power in a society, then that group’s prejudices have a disproportionate impact. In the United States – since that is where she comes from and is writing about – one group which holds a disproportionate amount of power is made up of people who are defined as “white”. The collective prejudice and discrimination of “white people” is what she defines as racism. This concept of racism is similar to what is mean by the terms “systemic racism” and “institutional racism”, and this kind of racism is, for the rest of the article, what I’m going to talk about.

In my head right now, I can almost hear people starting to argue with me about the definition of “white people”. So I’m going to take a moment to acknowledge, to all the readers who may be identified by the term “white”, that I hate the term too. I’ve never thought of myself as white, so I understand if you feel the same. Some of you may define yourselves as Irish, French or another European nationality. You may define yourselves as belonging to several different groups. You may consider yourself a New Zealander or an Australian. You may even consider yourselves Pakeha. I really understand that.

But here’s the thing. Being unaware of “whiteness” as a concept, or simply not liking the idea of it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

When I was growing up, almost every person I knew looked pretty similar to me. Almost everyone at my school, almost everyone at my church, almost everyone on my street… light-skinned. Almost everyone I saw on television was light-skinned. Almost all the people who wrote and performed the music I listened to were light-skinned. All my dolls. All the illustrations in my books. And all of these things gave me a picture of what was “normal”.

I never noticed, until I encountered someone who was different. I remember, to this day, my discomfort at having to work with a classmate who most definitely wasn’t white. I’m embarrassed to remember and admit it, but it’s important to me that I do. I learned from that experience that if I take the time to get to know someone who looks a bit different, I can get past the discomfort and see the real person. Over time, the discomfort has diminished. When I meet someone who looks quite different from me, I barely feel it at all now. But it’s important to me that I don’t forget how I felt when I was younger.

That experience taught me a valuable lesson, but I still had a lot to learn. It has taken me years to recognise that my friend’s experience of New Zealand would have been fundamentally different from mine. Even when we went shopping for makeup and she couldn’t find any powder or foundation she could wear, because it was all too pale, I didn’t understand how she may have felt. Even now, I know I can’t fully comprehend it. But, now, I am quite certain that there are things I have never experienced and never seen simply because of the colour of my skin – even in a country like New Zealand. Barriers I have never faced. Abuse I have never been subjected to. Unconscious biases from others that have never held me back. Racism I have never experienced and never noticed, because I am white.

Right now, I’m expecting that most people who are reading this will feel a bit uncomfortable. I know I’m uncomfortable, because I really hate upsetting people, and talking about racism is a good way of doing just that. And it’s about to get worse.

What I’ve been leading up to, over the last 1500 words, is trying to explain the title of my article – I am racist. I have attempted to explain that, despite my best efforts, I have prejudices. Also, despite my best efforts, these prejudices must affect how I behave towards others – that is, my prejudices result in discrimination. And, finally, because I am white, my prejudices and discrimination have a disproportionate impact compared to the prejudices and discrimination of people who are not classed as white. That is why I say that I am racist.

None of this, though, explains my subtitle – but that’s not actually the problem right now.

It’s going to take a bit more effort to explain that, so I’m going to ask a favour of you all. Even if you are uncomfortable with what I’m saying, please, just stay with me. Read on and try not to formulate your objections to what I’m saying until you have read to the end.

What prompted me to write this article is the same thing that has brought hundreds of thousands of people onto the streets in protest around the world – the horrific killing of George Floyd. However, it’s something I have wanted to write about for over a year, since the shootings in two Christchurch mosques last year. I was proud of the way that New Zealand responded to the shootings, but those events also showed me that New Zealand was dangerously complacent.

All over the world, it seems as if there has been a resurgence in racism. The country that elected Barack Obama turned around and elected Donald Trump. Far-right groups are gaining more power in Europe. Pauline Hanson is back in Australia’s parliament.

Most people I know consider Donald Trump and Pauline Hanson to be racist. But here’s an interesting fact about these two – neither considers themselves to be racist. Pauline Hanson claims she’s never said anything racist – and I have no doubt she truly believes that. Donald Trump considers himself to be the least racist person in the world, and I’m certain he believes that too.

I’m also pretty sure that Derek Chauvin didn’t consider himself racist, and probably still doesn’t, even after he knelt on George Floyd’s neck for nearly nine minutes. And yet, here we are.

The pernicious thing about racism is that almost nobody considers themselves to be racist, even if they very obviously are. And if we don’t believe that we are racist, we will never notice or understand the impact our behaviour can have on others.

That’s what I mean when I say that it’s not being racist which is the problem. After a lot of soul searching, I’ve decided that I agree with Robin DiAngelo when she says that all white people – herself included – are racist. We just can’t help it. But she also points out that being racist doesn’t automatically make someone a bad person. The problem is not being racist. The problem is that we are in denial about it, and that’s a problem because as long as we remain in denial, we will never change, and the world will never change.

At this point, I’d like to pause and address just one of the many objections that some people, especially New Zealanders, may have to my article. I’m almost certain that some of you are thinking that I’m being a bit unfair, because if you compare New Zealand to Australia and the USA, those countries are so much worse. Look at the treatment of indigenous Australians and Americans. Look at how we responded to the killing of 51 Muslim people in Christchurch.

These are typical responses that white people give when confronted by any statement about racism. For example, if I say that almost half of the people who die in police custody in New Zealand are Maori, I don’t expect anyone will disagree with me. However, I do expect that a lot of people will say that it’s worse in America. If I mention the loss of life among Maori in the New Zealand wars, I expect that some will respond with references to massacres of indigenous Australians.

I know, because I’ve done it myself.

When I think back, my responses make little sense. I know that if I got stopped for driving too fast, I wouldn’t try to defend myself by saying that some people drive faster than I do, or that some people drive drunk. I think most of us learned this as children – if we do something wrong, we know that saying someone else did something worse doesn’t make it right. I know I tried that argument when I fought with my brother, because I can distinctly remember being told “two wrongs don’t make a right”.

So why don’t we get it when it comes to racism? Part of it comes down to our perception of what racism is. We view racism as a Bad Thing done by Bad People. So anything which might imply we as individuals, or as a country, are racist is taken as saying we are bad people. We don’t believe, or want to believe, that we are bad people, so we argue back, responding with defensiveness.

But racist acts are not necessarily done by bad people. People who are perfectly decent can say and do racist things, because they don’t realise the impact of those words or actions. I have said racist things, and only realised in hindsight. I have probably said and done racist things without realising it.

At this point, I’m expecting that some people might be getting quite frustrated with me. Some of you may think you are sick of white people being made to feel guilty for things their ancestors did. Some of you may think that what I’m saying is political correctness gone mad. But I’m not suggesting that you feel guilty at all, and what I’m saying isn’t political correctness. I’m just outlining some pretty basic principles of how to be a decent human being.

If someone is injured, you don’t tell them that other people have been more seriously injured, unless you are in the middle of an emergency and doing triage. You try to help them. If someone has suffered something distressing or traumatic, you don’t tell them that others have been through worse. You acknowledge their suffering and listen. I think we all know this. I think we mostly understand, too, that if someone has suffered something a long time ago, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the pain has gone. It’s harder to see how this works across generations, but I’m starting to understand that it does.

When I wrote those uncomfortable words – I am racist – at the top of the page, I did so for a reason. I wanted to say something that was startling enough to make people really think about my words. I knew that if I really wanted to shift the way people thought about racism, I needed to give a really shocking example. Not shocking like the killing of George Floyd, because none of us believe ourselves capable of such an atrocity, but shocking because it came from me, someone who really tries hard not to be racist.

But my goal was not to convince you that I’m racist, of course. What I hoped to do was to challenge your understanding of what racism is. I’d like you to understand, if you are white, that it’s probably very hard for you to see racism in action. But just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. I would love it if even one white person who reads this stops and wonders could I be racist? And then, if you can, just pause and listen. Listen to the voices of people who aren’t white. Listen to what they say about racism and their experiences of it, in the USA, in Britain, in Australia and, most especially, in New Zealand. Because the core of the problem is not racism itself. The problem is not people who are racist. The real problem is people who aren’t trying to change.

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If you are truly committed to being less racist, then I strongly recommend you read Robin DiAngelo’s book, White Fragility. Although she is writing about the USA, all the principles apply to New Zealand too.

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